38 weeks and post-traumatic stress

First off - my huge belly!

I realized today that the stress of hyperemesis throughout the majority of my pregnancy has left some major scars. For a while I thought I was doing just fine and that it was all behind me. I was on the mothering.com message boards tonight and I clicked on an area outside my normal due date club boards. It was a more broad forum about pregnancy. Women in all stages of their pregnancies post there and one of them was wondering if her pregnancy test was too faint or if it definitely was a positive. It was obviously positive and I thought "Oh cool! She must be elated!" I quickly became incredibly nauseated and had to turn off my computer for a few minutes. I sat wondering what was up and realized that I only had about 3 weeks of easy pregnancy before the intense nausea and vomiting hit me... and stayed until I was over 30 weeks. 

I read about PTSD (post-trumatic stress disorder) in women who have dealt with hyperemesis. It is a VERY real issue. I don't need to sit in denial, nor should I assume that this is a really dumb idea. It hit me like a ton of bricks.. I am absolutely terrified of becoming pregnant again. I hear about women who are struggling with severe morning sickness and I want to curl up in a ball and cry because the memories of that time haunt me. It was so incredibly horrible that I don't know if I could actually go through it again. Dave can tell you firsthand how awful it was; he was there for me like no one as ever been there for me and made countless sacrifices to take care of me and help me keep my sanity. There were times that abortion crossed my mind. Not in the way that I'd actually consider it, but my heart would break over and over again when I would think about women who actually have to abort or they will die from severe dehydration, or their babies will die because the mothers are so malnourished. 

People think women have morning sickness to protect their babies, but that is only a fraction of the real reason women can get so sick. Your body rejects what it thinks is a parasite, in a nutshell. 

So I am not looking forward to the curious or well-meaning comments about when we'll have another baby. I am absolutely sure that we will love this baby more than we've ever loved another human being, but as soon as I'm healthy and recovered, hello birth control! The thought of having a younger toddler in the 2 year age range while pregnant and puking all day long terrifies me even more. I know a lot of people don't think it's "fair" to space your children too far apart for the sake of the kids being able to be friends and bond.. but I am not going to sacrifice my first child's well being at a very young age due to societal pressures. If my body and mind hasn't had time to heal, I would be setting myself up for a horrible situation in which my daughter will need me physically and emotionally and I will not be there for her. And sure, I might not have hyperemesis for the next pregnancy, but that is not a risk I am willing to take until I am ready, and who knows when that will be.

It's been two days since I started this post and now I'm finally getting around to publishing it! I'm sure I will write more about hyperemesis,  but I really should re-visit the topic after this baby is born and I feel normal again :)

As of Thursday, I am about 2 cm dilated, 70% effaced and at 0 station. Any day now!!!

~Christine