Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

This is not a very happy post. I have been crying for a few minutes after watching a video about women who struggled with hyperemesis gravidarum (HG). What got me crying was when the doctors said that before IVs and anti-nausea medication, most women with hyperemesis died. I cried even more when they talked about how some women resort to therapeutic abortion because if they didn't end their pregnancies, even with the help of modern medicine, they would die. 

My hyperemesis was bad. Really bad. Looking back I realize that I should have done things differently. Since I had been looking forward to being pregnant and having a baby for so many years, going through this unrelenting nausea and vomiting was a huge slap in the face. All the things I wanted to do, the things that normal pregnant women do, to prepare for a baby never really happened. My home birth never happened because of the HG of labor. And then all the neat things I wanted to do after I had the baby didn't really happen either. All the photos of me smiling during my pregnancy are a thick mask that hid the deep pain I was feeling in so many different ways. 

I refused to surrender completely to the HG, so I forced myself to be thankful at times that I A) could get pregnant in the first place, B) was able to keep this baby growing and healthy week after long week, C) did not miscarry, and D) had the most loving and supportive partner, family, and midwife. I think I said way back when that Dave had to pretty much stop working entirely to take care of me. Instead he had to be there for me 24 hours a day for almost 8 months, then every few days until the birth, during the birth, and a few weeks after. I'm not saying his job was harder than mine, but I know it was probably heartbreaking to see me like that for such a prolonged period of time.

So after thinking about this for months now, it is pretty obvious to me that I have been suffering severe post-partum depression due to the post-traumatic stress of my horrendous pregnancy. I'm not exaggerating one bit. My pregnancy was a cruel and vicious cycle of being nauseated, gagging, vomiting, becoming dehydrated, not eating, losing weight, herniating my esophagus from the vomiting, extreme pain from the esophageal damage, then more nausea and vomiting from that. How in the world could a normal, healthy woman be excited about having a baby when she is experiencing this EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY except when she gets the rare opportunity to sleep for more than four hours at a time? She doesn't. Period. Pregnancy becomes evil, unnatural, mind-altering, conflicting, and traumatizing.

When I think about my pregnancy, I get the chills. When I see other pregnant women, I remember my pregnancy and at times I become instantly nauseated. I was in Target today and I saw about five different pregnant women pushing their carts; some with their partners, some by themselves. All of them were very peaceful-looking and smiled as they looked at the itty bitty newborn clothes and teeny tiny socks. I got so nauseated from thinking about my pregnancy that I almost threw up in the aisle. My mom and I were heading out the door and I glanced over at the bathroom that I frequently threw up in on my rare trips to this Target during my pregnancy. I had to take a deep breath long enough to walk quickly out the door and get some fresh air. It was almost re-traumatizing just thinking about that time again. I guess seeing all the seemingly normal, happy women triggered this intense reaction in me, coupled with being in Target; the only place I went during my pregnancy because they kept their bathrooms and toilets spotless...when you're throwing up a lot, you quickly memorize which places have clean facilities.

The strangest thing to me, disturbing almost, is that I would like to have another baby. I am willing to go through all this again, albeit with earlier medical intervention, so that Evelyn can have a little brother or sister. I do want to adopt at some point, but I feel as though my body is demanding another child before I wave my white flag. I have decided that for a thousand medical and emotional reasons, I would absolutely not become pregnant again if I have HG with the second baby. I have heard it can be more tolerable the next time around because you have an idea of what works and what doesn't. And having some sort of reference can be an excelent coping tool. 

Evelyn is waking up for her first night feeding and her sweet little "mew" cries make my heart melt. Of one thing I am absolutely certain, she was worth it.

Birth Reflections (and some repeats)

Oh man, where to start.. I think the first thing that comes to mind when I reflect on Evelyn's birth is how grateful I am that I had a very positive birth experience overall. I am so glad we had Nancy as our midwife.  I am so glad I became aware of midwives and the midwifery model of care. I will never choose to have an obstetrician assist me in birthing my babies. Not because I don't trust my OB, but because I trust my midwife more. I trusted Nancy to know how I was doing and how Evelyn was tolerating the birth. I trusted Nancy to know how to care for me during my pregnancy and to respect my beliefs and desires about how I wanted this baby's birth to be. 


I wrote in my birth story about how hard the first part of my labor was. I still don't know why I became so sick during labor. Up until that point I had felt that I wouldn't get hyperemesis of labor. I thought that my pregnancy had been hard enough and to be sick during labor was just wrong and shouldn't happen to me. But it did and we dealt with it. I dealt with it. I had to dry-heave with each contraction, causing immense pain and  making me dry-heave even more. It was awful. But when Nancy told me while I was in the tub that it was making her ill watching me go through that, I felt relieved. There was a part of me that was hanging on to having a homebirth. A big part. And part of trusting my body was knowing that this just wasn't going to work out at home. 


Making the decision to get an epidural was not something I spent much time on. It was like the dots connected almost instantly in my head. I had done so much research about epidurals that I knew why it was a good idea for me to get one. I felt so much relief and confidence that I had made the right decision. There was no worry in my mind about a possible c-section. It was weird, actually, looking around and really taking in how not only was in a hospital, but I was hooked up to an IV, had an external fetal monitor, an epidural and was getting a small amount of pitocin. So many interventions! That was not what I thought this birth would be like at all! 


So even though I had the interventions, I was in charge of my birth from the beginning. I did not choose to do these things from the start. I chose a midwife and planned a home birth. I did my research, became very involved, asked questions, and made informed decisions. For me, it wasn't like I was being manipulated and I just ended up like any other woman going into the hospital to have her baby. It was all necessary. Weeks after the birth Nancy told me that a century ago I probably wouldn't have survived the pregnancy, and if I did, I would have died in childbirth. This coming from a midwife who has helped birth thousands of babies really *really* took any guilt I had and flushed it straight down the toilet. 


One thing I want to mention is how my views on birth have changed since I've had my own baby. I am still in fierce support of natural, home birth, but I appreciate the medical side of birth more. I still don't encourage moms to plan on choosing interventions because I think *most* of the time it damages the labor process. But not all babies born to mothers with epidurals are doped up at birth, either. It depends on how much of the pain medication is injected through the epidural into the mother throughout labor. I only had one dose of actual pain medication during the insertion and never took more. I did start to feel pain while Evelyn was crowning and being born, but it was good thing because I wasn't numb. I felt my baby being born and that was a magnificent experience.


I have wondered or asked myself if there was anything I would have done differently. I don't think so. I know what to do differently now that I've been through it all, and that's what's important to me for the next baby. I know that probiotics earlier in my pregnancy will probably help my hyperemesis. I have learned that I need fluids more often during pregnancy, along with more vitamins and acid-reflux medication from the start. If I had taken prevacid earlier, I probably would not have been sick for so long. These are all things I have learned through experience; there was no way for me to know ahead of time. I am really hoping that if we have another baby in 3-4 years my hyperemesis won't be as bad and I will be able to have my beautiful home birth. Nancy seems to think that next time around labor will be much faster and if we can just get the nausea under control, I will do really well. ::fingers crossed::


Evelyn's birth was still very beautiful to me and I love sharing my story. As soon as I can figure out how to get video off my camera, I will post a link to my birth video on youtube. Yes, I'm putting it up there in all it's glory. If it wasn't for all the birth videos that other moms have posted, I would not be as confident as I am about being a doula and understanding birth. It is different for all women and I think it's important that I give my story back to the community. 


Please ask away if you have questions or comments.


~Christine

Evelyn is 2 months old!

I am so happy. Our baby girl is 2 months old and doing so wonderfully well. I feel so bad that I have not been able to blog about her lately. Having a newborn is hard work when you're a first-time mom and it's incredibly hard to find a half hour to give everyone updates! Our house is slowly filling up with laundry and general messiness, despite my efforts to clean a little bit each day. There have been things on my to-do list since before March and of course they aren't done yet. I can't even keep Evelyn's baby clothes put away and organized. I have to admit it's generally easier to just grab a sleeper off the clean laundry pile than to go into the closet and look through everything..  Oh but I love her so much and I'd rather have a messy house than a screaming, hungry, bored baby!!


So what's been going on with us? Well not too much, really. I am very proud to say that we have been succeeding at breastfeeding so far. Now that Evelyn is sleeping for about two 4-hour blocks at night, we no longer need to switch shifts and have Dave give her bottles of pumped milk while I sleep. I am so proud that I stayed so determined while we had breastfeeding issues for the first two weeks. It's so wonderful to be able to feed and nourish my baby from my own body; the way nature intended. We have also been using cloth diapers 100% of the time. It is definitely easier than I thought it would be! Now that she's fitting into her GroBaby, now called GroVia, diapers it is so easy to do two loads every other day. Her soaker pads get a rinse and hot wash, then her outer shells get one wash on warm. The shells air dry in about a half hour, and the soakers dry on high in the dryer in about an hour. Ah I love them!! They are so cute on her and she has had NO diaper rash since we did cloth full-time. I don't think we'll actually be able to use disposables at all because we have tried to put her in them and she immediately gets a rash on her legs where the elastic is. I know that seems strange, but she really does start breaking out. We tried Pampers Swaddlers and Huggies Pure & Natural and they both gave her a rash. It would be nice to find something to use in case of an emergency so I might try the Seventh Generation kind. I think it's the chlorine bleach on the elastic that does it.. hrm..


What else.. Well, Evelyn got her first vaccines a few weeks ago. She got the Rotavirus drink and the first DTaP. We are following a delayed vaccine schedule that can be found in the Dr. Sears Vaccine Book. I feel very confident about our decision to vaccinate and do it on a more delayed schedule. I am just not comfortable giving her so many vaccines in a short period of time. I suppose I'm just following my maternal instincts on this one. Although the AAP and CDC say that the normal schedule is perfectly fine, I don't buy it and I'm ok with not buying it. Evie's pediatrician is quite comfortable with Sears' schedule and recommends it if parents are wary of the normal schedule. She rocks! Dr. Annemarie Tull at The Pediatric Center. She has 3 children and nursed them all past one year. She's also a lactation consultant. Our beloved midwife, Nancy, gave us Dr. Tull's name and after our interview with her we were sold. I highly recommend her to parents in the Richmond area.


My body seems to be getting back to normal fairly quick. At 2 months post-partum, I weight about 147, and my pre-pregnancy weight was 152. Nancy says it's because I am producing a lot of breastmilk and my body is basically burning calories all day long. I have been trying to eat more recently, but I am steadily losing about a pound or so every week. I still have the linea nigra on my belly, but my stomach is actually flatter than it was before I was pregnant. I have noticed a slight widening of my hips because many of my pants are looser in the leg, but tighter in the hips. Oh joy. Now I need pants! Since we plan on breastfeeding well past one year, I anticipate keeping weight off. Maybe with the next baby I won't be so quick to bounce back; in fact, I plan on exercising more next time!


I am still thinking of Evelyn's birth often. It took me a few weeks to be OK with how everything played out. I had a tiny bit of regret that I requested the epidural before we even got to the hospital. After talking with Nancy for over an hour last week, I came to the conclusion that it really was necessary for me to get through Evie's birth with my sanity intact. With all the dry-heaving, vomiting, and intense contractions, Evelyn wasn't moving down and my body was becoming overly stressed too fast. As soon as I had the epidural, my cervix opened right up and she descended beautifully to be born only about 5 hours later. I also think that in some ways I deserved to have that easy delivery in the end. After being so sick for so many months, then being sick during labor, it was really nice to gently push her out at my own pace! I feel so good about Evelyn's birth now that I've had time to reflect. She is a beautiful, healthy baby and I couldn't have asked for a better birth team.


I promise after every post that I will do my best to keep everyone updated, and I really do try. Anyone who has had a newborn can probably empathize. I know that we have many friends and family who live too far to visit as much as they would like, so it is important to me to keep this going. I'm sure that as Evelyn grows a bit more and does not need someone to hold her every second, it will be easier to blog. In the meantime, thank you for being so patient (or at least trying to be) with me as I navigate being a new mother. Now for some Evie photo love!!!

~ Christine

Evelyn Isabel is here!

Please welcome our new baby girl.. Evelyn Isabel.

Evelyn was born on March 12, 2010, weighing in at 6 pounds and 14 ounces. She was 19.5 inches long and cute as ever.

My birth story is still coming together and the more I think about Evelyn's birth, the more it changes. I know I need to just write it out and leave it at that, but I have been so full of emotions and physical stress that almost anything besides feeding and cuddling this baby seems impossible. 

For a rough recap, I went into labor thursday afternoon and in just a few hours Dave and I were packed and on a rush to my parents' house to set up for the birth. My labor was hard and I began to throw up and get extremely nauseous with and between each contraction. It was awful. I was in so much pain, could not drink any fluids, and after about 4 hours of laboring at home, Nancy and I decided I needed to go to the hospital for some fluids and pain relief. Double whammie! I was in so much pain and so nauseous that my contractions were not doing anything besides making me miserable. We got to the hospital and within a half hour I received my epidural and could finally relax. A few short hours later, I was 10 cm dilated and she was coming out. 

The actual birth was wonderful for me. I was itching from the epidural, but in comparison to the nausea and vomiting, it was no big deal. As Evelyn was coming down the birth canal, my bag of waters swelled outside of me into this big opaque balloon. It wasn't until her head was actually crowning that it slowly leaked and Dr. Fitzhugh pulled it away for her to be born. I had no one telling me to push, so when my epidural was sort of wearing off on the left side, I was able to feel my contractions enough to slowly inch the baby out. Nancy and Dave were encouraging me, and Nancy kept saying that I was doing a great job stretching. Once her head came out, Dr. Fitzhugh rotated her enough so that I could reach down, grab her underarms, and pull her out of me to my chest. So amazing! I got to birth my own baby and no one handed her to me! In that moment, nothing about my transfer to the hospital or my decision to get an epidural mattered. I knew we had made the right decisions and I was incredibly satisfied with my birth. 

I do wish that my body would have stayed well during labor. I did not think I was going to get sick, but I did and we had formed this back-up plan of transferring months ago. If I hadn't gotten so sick, I would have been able to breathe through my contractions, focus better, and stay hydrated, ultimately birthing at home like we had hoped. I know I am still a homebirthing mother, despite my transfer. I still strongly believe in what I attempted to do, and will go for another homebirth for the next baby. I feel proud that I decided I was not going to torture myself by staying at home, vomiting, dry heaving, and trying to birth a baby. That birth would have been traumatic. 

I am very much in love with this little being. Although we have had a rough, and I mean ROUGH past week, things are slowly coming together. She is nursing so well and has gained back her birth weight plus some in 5 days. We go back to the pediatrician on Monday to weight her again and check her out. Our doctor, Dr. Tull, complimented me and said that I was doing super with breastfeeding and Evelyn was looking so healthy. That made me feel really great since the night before I wept uncontrollably while my nipples were throbbing and bleeding and the baby was screaming... but that is another post.

I am so thankful for all of our friends and family who have been so wonderfully supportive during my difficult pregnancy and birth. I know Evelyn will be loved immensely by so many people and that our family is so blessed.

~Christine

38 weeks and post-traumatic stress

First off - my huge belly!

I realized today that the stress of hyperemesis throughout the majority of my pregnancy has left some major scars. For a while I thought I was doing just fine and that it was all behind me. I was on the mothering.com message boards tonight and I clicked on an area outside my normal due date club boards. It was a more broad forum about pregnancy. Women in all stages of their pregnancies post there and one of them was wondering if her pregnancy test was too faint or if it definitely was a positive. It was obviously positive and I thought "Oh cool! She must be elated!" I quickly became incredibly nauseated and had to turn off my computer for a few minutes. I sat wondering what was up and realized that I only had about 3 weeks of easy pregnancy before the intense nausea and vomiting hit me... and stayed until I was over 30 weeks. 

I read about PTSD (post-trumatic stress disorder) in women who have dealt with hyperemesis. It is a VERY real issue. I don't need to sit in denial, nor should I assume that this is a really dumb idea. It hit me like a ton of bricks.. I am absolutely terrified of becoming pregnant again. I hear about women who are struggling with severe morning sickness and I want to curl up in a ball and cry because the memories of that time haunt me. It was so incredibly horrible that I don't know if I could actually go through it again. Dave can tell you firsthand how awful it was; he was there for me like no one as ever been there for me and made countless sacrifices to take care of me and help me keep my sanity. There were times that abortion crossed my mind. Not in the way that I'd actually consider it, but my heart would break over and over again when I would think about women who actually have to abort or they will die from severe dehydration, or their babies will die because the mothers are so malnourished. 

People think women have morning sickness to protect their babies, but that is only a fraction of the real reason women can get so sick. Your body rejects what it thinks is a parasite, in a nutshell. 

So I am not looking forward to the curious or well-meaning comments about when we'll have another baby. I am absolutely sure that we will love this baby more than we've ever loved another human being, but as soon as I'm healthy and recovered, hello birth control! The thought of having a younger toddler in the 2 year age range while pregnant and puking all day long terrifies me even more. I know a lot of people don't think it's "fair" to space your children too far apart for the sake of the kids being able to be friends and bond.. but I am not going to sacrifice my first child's well being at a very young age due to societal pressures. If my body and mind hasn't had time to heal, I would be setting myself up for a horrible situation in which my daughter will need me physically and emotionally and I will not be there for her. And sure, I might not have hyperemesis for the next pregnancy, but that is not a risk I am willing to take until I am ready, and who knows when that will be.

It's been two days since I started this post and now I'm finally getting around to publishing it! I'm sure I will write more about hyperemesis,  but I really should re-visit the topic after this baby is born and I feel normal again :)

As of Thursday, I am about 2 cm dilated, 70% effaced and at 0 station. Any day now!!!

~Christine

38 weeks

Ok, I'm ready to have this baby... pending the arrival of my cloth diaper detergent (Rockin' Green), ear syringe, and ground cloves for the post-partum herb bath.


Do you know how HARD it is to find an ear syringe and NOT a nasal aspirator??? I went to a bazillion different stores and finally gave up. Ordered it online tonight and I'm having it shipped to my parents' house so I don't have to remember to bring it. The difference is that a nasal aspirator is a lot stronger than an ear syringe. I'm assuming that Nancy wants to be able to use something more gentle on the baby. I will ask her about this on Thursday at our appointment.


There's a lot more I'd like to write about tonight but I'm exhausted. I need to finish putting the laundry away (we got about 50% of it done tonight!) and put up the rods in the closet so I can hang baby's clothes. I'm done with being pregnant, seriously. I still have 2 more weeks until my due date so the plan is to just take it super easy, eat more bland foods (thanks to my hormone surges, I am sick again and having trouble digesting food), and drink lots of water even if I have to pee on the hour. 


I will post a pic after the midwife appointment on Thur when I am actually showered and dressed.. :O


~Christine

Pregnancy being "normal"

Two finals this week and I will be 99% done with school. I’m relieved to be almost done, and at the same time disappointed that I couldn’t finish my research class. I am very lucky to have such supportive professors who have allowed me to miss almost the entire semester and study from home. As often as I tried to get to class, usually I was either absolutely exhausted from not sleeping, or nauseous, which comes and goes throughout the day now. I have plenty of normal-feeling moments, like right now, but in about an hour or so I might feel like tossing my cookies. I just never know and the sheer anxiety of not knowing when the nausea is going to take over my body makes me not want to leave the house very often. So the plan for school is to write my research paper (which is not even that long) over the summer. I would do it over the spring, but I’m sure as soon as the baby comes, I won’t want to do anything and probably won’t have the energy!!


We went to Laurel this past weekend and visited some wonderful friends who are expecting a baby in April. It was really great to finally get together, but I became really nauseous on the way up there after feeling fine all day. I was just not in good spirits that night and I felt so bad for not being a fun guest. Then the next day Dave’s allergies flared up and he was miserable. We did get a chance to go to the mall in Columbia with Carrie and it was nice to chit chat and just hang out. It was there that I confirmed my suspicion that I definitely need a support belt for my belly. If I’m on my feet for more than 15 minutes or so my belly starts cramping near the top. I tried my bella band today but it did nothing! If anything it made me feel nauseous, but then again, anything putting pressure on my tummy makes me uncomfortable. Anyway, I’m glad we finally made it up to Laurel and I hope we can go again soon and have it work out so I’m not sick and Dave isn’t feeling congested and gross.


I started having this really intense cramping near the top of my belly on the right side, which prompted me to call my midwife. It’s only happened 3 times but it drove me to tears because it was so painful. I have had round ligament pain that is sharp, but nothing like this before. After speaking with Nancy for a bit, we both thought that it was round ligament pain again, just more severe because my tummy is really stretching now. Within the past 3 weeks I have grown quite a bit and the location of the pain is right where my round ligament connects to my uterus. Since there was really nothing I could do about it, Nancy and I talked for a bit about trying to see this pregnancy as being “normal.” I completely understood what she meant in an instant. As much as I know that many of my aches and pains are normal, what I experienced with the hyperemesis still haunts me. Sure I’m not vomiting all the time, but the nausea is still there for portions of the day. As soon as the nausea started to subside, I began cramping and having trouble standing up for normal periods of time. Then I got sciatica on my right side, which has recently switched to the left side. I am more exhausted now than I was for the first 4 months of pregnancy (which is when most women experience the fatigue) and the insomnia has been going full force, so I don’t really get to decide when I sleep. I have to eat every 3 hours or so, otherwise I get really irritable and sick to my stomach, and upon waking I feel like I haven’t eaten in days.


I can say for sure that I do not like being pregnant at all. I love this little baby so much, that’s for sure, but the being pregnant part has been so difficult. I love feeling her move, but she kicks hard and fast and it wakes me up sometimes, and then I have to make food at 5 am because I’m starving and nauseous from being asleep for more than 3 hours with no food. Nancy wants me to see most of my symptoms as being normal, but from what I hear, read, and see, most women don’t get every single one of these symptoms all occurring at the same time for their entire pregnancy. If they do, I admire them tremendously for putting a smile on their face and making the best of it. I wish I could do it, and maybe the next time around I will know what to expect and can prepare. For now, I just feel like a ball of sickness and emotion, which is apparently normal during pregnancy. The normal pregnancy scale must be a pretty large on and I just happen to be on the more uncomfortable side, I suppose.


I need to get through this week and I will feel a lot better about the upcoming holidays and all that we need to do. I’m excited about going to Maine and having time to relax, enjoy family, and see the beautiful snow!


~Christine

Thoughts today

I feel bad for not posting in a while.. We had two conventions back to back and I have been fighting a cold/virus/whatever for about a week. We unfortunately got very little sleep at this past convention and I’m fairly certain my body was completely burned out when we got home on Monday. We have been sleeping a little extra every night trying to get back to normal, but Dave has come down with a cold and I miraculously haven’t contracted it.. yet.. It’s probably due to the 10+ hours of sleep and I won’t complain.


I know I need to post a belly photo, and I will do my best to get it done later today. I’ll just update it here. As of today I’m 25 weeks and 3 days. It’s weird to think that in about 4 weeks I will hit the 30 week mark. It’s really really strange to think about how fast time is going when I don’t pay attention to my dates for a while. In fact, in less than 3 weeks I’ll be in the 3rd trimester. I have almost fully accepted that I will not feel normal until this baby is actually born. I kept hoping and hoping that the morning sickness would subside especially after the hyperemesis went away, but it feels like the nausea is a permanent pregnancy symptom. If it goes away, great, but I really don’t think it will. Even on Thanksgiving I barely ate and then felt sick afterwards.


There are still so many things I want to talk about but my energy is just gone right now. Finals are coming up very soon and then we’ll be off to Maine for Christmas. I guess I’m a little nervous about going to Maine... not because I don’t think we’ll have a wonderful time, but because I’m still feeling under the weather and I know Dave is going to want to see everyone. This also means that I have to do the majority of the driving because he can’t see well at night. We were originally going to fly, but coming into the Portland airport is too expensive, and taking the train is almost just as much. Bussing would be too unreliable and I would be extremely uncomfortable. This leaves us with the Jetta once again.. our trusty little VW that plows through the snow like a 4WD thanks to our fancy all-weather tires. I’m definitely excited about going up to Maine again to see Dave’s family and friends, but I just hope that I don’t feel very sick this time.


After we get home from Maine, my sister is coming down from Iowa and we’re doing our own little Christmas at my parents’ house. Even though my family is out here and we’re still celebrating together, it’s so strange to not be back in California this time of year. Every holiday since I moved has been a little off.. I miss Thanksgiving dinners crammed into my aunt Diane’s dining room and Christmas Eve at Deacon Dave’s with the massive light display. My aunt and uncle had their first Thanksgiving in 30 years without everyone gathered around their table and that broke my heart a little. I wonder if I’ll ever get over not being back home. Maybe watching our kids grow up around my parents’ dinner table will make it feel more like home.. And soon enough we’ll be taking the kids out to California so they can see the lights and walk Union Square at Christmas time. It’s not like these places are going away, they’re just far away and I should think of it like that more often. Well, Dave seems to think that California is eventually going to crack off into the ocean one of these days.... sigh.


~Christine

23 weeks 1 day

We had a great time at Nekocon. Although I slept for many hours each day, Dave managed the table very well and we spent plenty of time with our friends late at night. Most nights I stayed up later than Dave because I napped during the day. There were a few bouts of nausea but nothing too bad. We will be leaving for Anime USA in a week and we’re both really looking forward to this convention, too.


As the con season is starting, I am very thankful that I am feeling better. I missed my test today, however, because my tummy decided it wasn’t going to keep down food this morning. I hadn’t been sick for about a week so a little throw up didn’t bother me too much. I have had a small headache for about two days now and it’s driving me crazy. I’m quite hungry so I’m eating a lot and trying to drink water, but the exhaustion is hitting me hard this week. It’s difficult to stay awake all day when you feel like you’re about to enter into a coma. If I sleep during the day then I can’t sleep at night, but if I don’t sleep when I’m really tired I get nauseated. It’s truly a no-win situation.


As you can see, my belly seems to have stopped growing for right now. I feel like I look smaller than I did two weeks ago. I anticipate, though, that over the next few weeks I am going to grow A LOT. Baby E is going to double her weight this month and continue to grow larger at a steadier pace. Many people have already commented that I don’t look very pregnant at all yet. I attribute this to my height and posterior uterus. Yes, posterior uterus. My uterus tilts upward instead of towards the front, so this girlie is definitely going to max out her height space before ballooning out.

On a related note, my midwife, Nancy, said many encouraging things to me at our appointment today. Despite the fact that 30% of her first time moms transfer to the hospital for various reasons, and despite the fact that I had horrible hyperemesis, I have many physical traits that will contribute to an easier labor. She said that since I’m taller the baby won’t have as much trouble sliding out as with shorter women, and that my posterior uterus makes an easier angle for the baby to come out. I also have a posterior placenta, meaning that it’s connected to the backside of my uterus. Babies do not like to lay on their placentas during the birthing process so there’s a much smaller chance that I will experience back-labor! All of these things will hopefully make for an easier first-time birth and I am happy to hear it. The sweetest thing that Nancy said, on top of the physical aspects, was that if I could get through all the hyperemesis and stomach problems for many months, labor wouldn’t be hardly as difficult. That just made me feel so much better in general!


One of my clients recently gave birth so I have been thinking about labor a lot over the past week. I have many hopes for my birth, but I think people are worried that I’m so hardcore about it that I will feel like a failure if I can’t accomplish this drug-free home birth. My hopes are high enough to maintain positive feelings about my birth and to keep unrealistic fears at a minimum. How I birth my baby does not define me. If I don’t get my home birth, I will not become depressed nor feel like a bad mother or incompetent woman. But, as realistic as I’m trying to be, I am going to do my best to cope with labor at home in the best way I can. I am not going to just give up if I feel pain. Hopefully pain will equal progress during my labor and that will keep me going!


Well Baby E has been kicking me more than ever. She likes to kick my bladder and any other spot where there’s pressure on her little space. She kicks me when I’m still and trying to sleep, and when I’m seriously needing to use the bathroom. I suppose it’s cute, but I’m thinking that as she grows and becomes stronger I might have a few bruised ribs. As long as she comes out after 9 months I can deal with it :) At the midwife appointment today she was kicking and squirming away from the doppler once again. Nancy was able to get her pretty quickly, but she was definitely trying to scoot away from it. She does the same thing to my hands when I rub my belly.


Over the next few weeks I am going to attempt to re-organize and take care of many neglected things since becoming sick and pregnant. I need to make a real list of things we’ll need for baby right after she’s born and leave the rest to her individual needs. I also need to start planning the baby shower with my mom and get my medical bills in order. I suppose the shower stuff can wait, but the medical stuff needs to be taken care of asap. It took me forever to get covered for insurance and there’s a lot of paperwork to be done and phone calls to make. I can’t keep it all straight sometimes.


~Christine

20 weeks - halfway done!

On Wednesday I hit 20 weeks. I am excited to be halfway done with my pregnancy, and more excited to maybe start enjoying it a bit more..? Wednesday through Friday and part of Saturday were pretty sick days for me. I still believe my hormones are leveling off and it’s going to take more time to get back to normal. I am just so happy to not be sick ALL THE TIME.

I have a lot more to post, but for now here are the belly photos. Baby girl has also been kicking me a lot. Dave got to feel her for the first time the other night.. he was so happy! He didn’t expect to feel her “so early” but she kicked plenty of times to convince him that it was really the baby and not my pulse. Since then she has been in full force, kicking me at the worst times - usually when I’m nauseated or trying to rest. As soon as I start to lay still, she wakes up and does her in-utero kickboxing.


Will write more very soon - tomorrow we are headed to the Renaissance Festival in Maryland. I will have Dave take some pics of me in my fairy costume with the belly :D


~Christine

19 weeks, It's a GIRL!

Oh HAI!! Sorry I haven’t posted in 2 weeks! We found out Monday that we’re having a GIRL! And yes, I am super excited! Dave has to scan the ultrasound pics before I can post them.. sorry for the delay. We captured the whole scan on video and I will post that here as soon as I upload it into a video file.

So at the ultrasound the tech said our baby is perfect. She had been doing ultrasounds for 37 years so I felt really comfortable with her. She scanned the baby’s body and organs to look for anything abnormal and everything checked out fine. That was a big relief for me. Early in my pregnancy I had to stop taking my prenatals because they made me very sick. There was always this worry in the back of my mind about spinal problems or anything else that would have come about because of me not taking the vitamins. But all is good with our little girl! She was much more willing to open her legs than to show us her face, though. We all thought that was hilarious. Every time the tech would try to get a profile shot, the baby would squirm away and stick her rear out. At least we could be sure she was a girl! What made this occasion so special to me was that my Gramma was there. She got to see the whole thing and I think it was just as neat for her as it was for me.


I made lots of phone calls and did a massive text message saying it was a girl. Many of you probably got one or the other, but if I forgot you, it was just my pregnant brain’s absent mindedness. My mom, sister, and friend Courtney were among the first to find out and they all cheered with excitement. Among my mom’s many exclamations was that she wouldn’t have to return any of the baby clothes she’s been buying the past month. She thought the baby would be a girl so she starting going a little wild with baby clothes. I had to tell her to stop buying stuff or she’d go broke! I know my mom is just being a mom and I love her for that. We did say that she has to start thinking that every outfit she wants to buy could be one of our cloth diapers.. that we NEED! Hehe.


Over the past 4 days I have been feeling........ BETTER! I can’t believe it. I have been SO sick for SO long and to get a few days of relief has been a miracle. I did throw up a bit this morning but I think that’s because I am getting a cold.. I am planning on staying hydrated and germ free for the next few days. I had been washing my hands a lot and using the eco hand sanitizer, but it seems my immune system is trashed from all the hyperemesis. I had a talk with my midwife about the flu vaccines. As much as I do NOT want to get the shots because of the potential risk to my baby, she gently explained that because of the seriousness of my hyperemesis, getting the flu could very well kill me, literally. Plenty of pregnant women have been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus and been ok, but their bodies were a lot stronger than mine. I am seeing the big picture and I am ok with getting the flu and H1N1 vaccine, after thinking it over a lot and talking with Dave.


We went to the health club last night to try out the facilities. I weighed myself and was happy to see that I gained back 7 pounds since Friday of last week. I have been consistently losing weight every week due to the hyperemesis when I should be gaining weight. At 5 weeks pregnant I was 157, which is not overweight for my height, but on Friday at 18.5 weeks I was down to 142 which was a little scary for both me and my midwife. Not that I’m almost at the 150 mark, I feel a little stronger and more energetic. I am not concerned about being overweight because obesity and gestational diabetes do not run in my family whatsoever. I am much more concerned about having a healthy body to nurture this growing baby girl.


Hmm.. My mind has been swimming with thoughts on this baby and what we’re going to do when she gets here. Over the next 10 weeks or so I want to get everything prepared for baby, besides what we have asked for on our registry. I want to have at least a couple newborn cloth diapers, which I might order today. (On a side note, the GroBaby diapers that I am crazy about might not fit the baby for a couple weeks so I am picking up a couple fitted cloth diapers that are sized specifically for newborns. Then when she grows out of them in a couple weeks we can switch to the GroBaby). We also want to get a new mattress sheet for the co-sleeper and an allergy cover. I also want to pick up a few long-sleeved onesies and pants. I know we are going to get “showered” with clothes and neat stuff in February when we have our baby shower, but just in case this girl decides to come early, it will be comforting to have some very basic things ready. I think we are also re-arranging our room to accommodate the co-sleeper next to the bed.


Well, I have lots more I could talk about but I’m starving and Dave should be home in a minute with groceries.


~Christine

Almost 16 weeks

So I felt well enough to take these photos tonight. Yes, it’s 1AM but I’m having trouble sleeping as usual. Can you tell I’m pregnant?

It’s officially Tuesday, so tomorrow will be 16 weeks. I doubt my belly will look much different in one day but I do feel kind of guilty posting the pic a day early... Maybe when I start feeling better I will keep a better belly pic schedule. Weeks 14 and 15 were not good weeks and I was never dressed in anything resembling picture worthy, nor did I feel like actually putting something on and posing for a photo :\ Oh well, I think this one was worth the wait. I actually look pregnant and that makes me a little happier inside.


An update on my health: I went in to see the gastroenterologist today because my tummy flared up, yet again! He was very sympathetic to my situation, and ultimately decided to do an upper endoscopy on Thursday of this week. This procedure involves a camera being inserted down my esophagus into my tummy to take a look around and check for ulcers or other abnormal things. I will be sedated and won’t feel anything before or afterwards, I’ll just be really woozy and tired, which I really don’t mind.


Hopefully after this procedure the doctors will have a better treatment plan for me. I am at the end of my rope and it’s one thing to be nauseous every minute of every day, but to have stomach pain on top of that is overkill. So far I’m taking Prevacid to stop the production of too much acid, Reglan to ease food through my digestive system so my tummy doesn’t make more acid, Zofran for nausea and vomiting, and finally Benadryl (diphenhydramine) to help generally calm my body down so stress doesn’t trigger the acid flare-ups. That last one helps me sleep too, and without sleep my tummy freaks out. All of these medications are safe for baby and are all in either the A or B category for pregnancy. This means that there has been no scientific evidence that normal exposure/dosage to the drug will harm a growing baby. Even the combination of these drugs, while seemingly bad, will not be bad for the baby, and my OB, midwife and gastroenterologist have all OK’d them, in case any of the worrywarts are concerned. Trust me, I wouldn’t be putting harmful meds into my body if my doctors told me that there was a chance that they weren’t safe.


....Taking a positive detour, I mustered up the strength to browse Babies-R-Us and start our registry this evening! :D After eating some food I felt stronger and wanted to do something to lift my spirits. I had personally vowed to wait until I had a noticeable belly to start any type of registry because I thought I’d be feeling better by then.. but oh well :P We are registering at Babies-R-Us and Target because there are a few things you can only get at either store. I only scanned a few items this evening, but I know we’ll change our minds about certain things and add to the lists as time goes by.


Oh, and in regards to the registry, one thing I do want to mention kind of early is that we are using cloth diapers, specifically the “GroBaby” kind. When we know the sex of the baby and narrow some choices down, I will post a link to a site where you can purchase one. These diapers will be the single most important item(s) we can use on our wish list. But yes, more details later, just wanted to put that out there because it won’t be listed on either Target or Babies-R-Us if you go searching for us. I will do a more detailed registry post soon.


I don’t mean to jump the gun and have anyone freak out about gifting us anything right now.. (ahem, Mom). I’m only registering a little early because “con season” is starting up soon and we’re going to be very busy until the baby is born. I feel the need to tackle some things earlier than some mamas do because starting in early November, Dave and I will have regular conventions to prepare for and attend the rest of my pregnancy. By the time Katsucon rolls around in February I’ll be very pregnant, fairly stressed and especially tired from recent events (and probably won’t feel like shopping or preparing for baby even though we must..)


It feels really nice to share that I’m having a bit of fun. Having a belly, even though it’s sort of small, is a positive physical reminder that I’m growing a little baby inside my belly and there’s nothing more marvelous than that. In these rare, not-so-sick moments I feel happy and excited to be a mama.


~Christine

This week in the hospital..

Well, I had started to write a little over a week ago about how I thought the morning sickness was improving. Once again, I spoke to soon..


I went into the emergency room over a week ago on Friday when I started to have this really intense stomach cramping and was throwing up way too much. I went home after a few hours with Zantac and a recommendation to take it easy. Well, things were sort of alright and I was still having this cramping throughout the week.


Wednesday things got a little out of control with the cramping again and we called my midwife’s backup OB. He wanted his nurse to see me right away and after a quick visit to his office they had me admitted to the hospital. The whole hospital stay went by kind of fast, although I was in there Wednesday through Saturday. The gastroenterologist diagnosed me with gastritis and got me started on Prevacid, as well as Reglan to even out my digestive system. I had regular Benadryl injections since that seemed to calm my body down quite a bit.


I’m home now, still feeling very nauseated, but not vomiting anymore. The acid is under control so my stomach isn’t causing me so much pain either. The cramping combined with nausea and vomiting was just about the worst I had been my entire pregnancy, but I’m glad to have gone to the hospital and received the proper treatment. Dave stayed with me the majority of the time and it was really great to have him help me so much without having to call the nurses every 5 minutes. He was really tired but was there for me and it made a big difference.


Even if I have to deal with being nauseated 24/7, I think that might be passing relatively soon. I’m hoping that within the next 2 weeks everything will calm down and I can get on with being happy and pregnant! Right now I’m having to deal with catching up in school and getting my overdue bills in order. It has been nearly impossible to do anything besides taking care of the most immediate things like staying showered, eating, and making it to class. Everything else has been put on hold and I can’t put it off any longer.. sigh.


Pretty soon I can start posting about exciting things and not about how sick I have been. I am definitely looking forward to making more plans and buying a few things to prepare for baby, but lately anything baby-related reminds me how sick I am or makes me frustrated that I can’t be overjoyed like so many women are by this stage in their pregnancies.


I will post the 16 week belly pic this week, since I definitely look pregnant now. Just have to wait until Wednesday :)


~Christine

13 weeks and counting..

Gosh there’s still not a lot of change from 11 weeks to 13 weeks. I think because I’m above average height the little muffin is going to grow upwards for a while before popping out again. Fine by me.. I already have to sleep on my side. Anything pushing on my belly makes me queasy, including the mattress.

I have finally figured out how to get to sleep. I take my tablet of Unisom (yes it is safe to use during pregnancy - it helps tremendously with nausea) and use my sound machine, borrowed from my mom. The room has to be very dark and we have to take the chewing log out of the guinea pig’s cage, otherwise it makes this awful echoing, scraping sound when they snack on it in the middle of the night.


All the animals seem to associate lights out with playtime. Simba comes plowing through the door and under the bed, which wakes me up very time. The past 3 nights we have been kitty-free, and although I feel guilty, I just can’t get him to stop plowing through the room. The guinea pigs, however, like to start running laps around their cage right when we go to sleep, and usually around 8AM. If I got to bed at a reasonable hour, I wouldn’t mind.. but my insomnia makes it so I need to sleep until about noon and all the animals start up their laps, meowing, scratching at the door way too early for me.


Lately I think Dave has been suffering from my pregnancy, too. I know he can’t sleep as well at night, probably because I toss and turn, and that makes it hard to get up in the morning. He can be cranky especially if Baloo has been doing his high-pitch meow at the door for a while. I’m super cranky when I wake up, so I can’t blame him. I just think there’s been a lot of high emotion and stress in our home lately and it’s really hard to work through it when I’m constantly sick. One of the things a lot of pregnant women absolutely cannot do early on is cook or prepare meals. Since I have a really upset tummy right now Dave has to make everything for me and I usually eat every 3 hours or so. I know he’s doing it out of love and he tells me he doesn’t mind all the time.. I still feel bad and I wish I was well enough to do all the basic things people do in a day.


In other news - my wonderful mom bought us a used co-sleeper. It’s the Arm’s Reach Mini Co-sleeper. You can see a photo of it here. We bought it from a super nice family for $75, over half the price of the new ones. It is in great condition, barely used, and it looks brand new! It’s already put together and my mom is going to store it at the house until we need it. We spent a while figuring out how to turn in from the bassinet into the actual co-sleeper. I don’t think we’ll use the co-sleeper function much, despite what it’s called. I really want it for Muffin to be able to sleep in when I can’t be with him/her. I’m just not totally comfortable leaving baby on the bed with piles of pillows. I know a lot of moms do it, but I’d just rather have a bassinet. The co-sleeper holds a lot more weight than a traditional bassinet, so we’ll be able to use it for longer, or until baby can sit up and pull themselves over the edge. I have no idea what we’ll do then :P


I would like to ask for prayers and well-wishes that I will continue to feel better throughout the next week. I would really like to make it to class and be able to graduate in December. As long as my health improves, I will be able to finish the semester and have this Muffin with a degree under my belt :D


Thanks and love to everyone,
~Christine

Hopefully one of the last bad days..

I am having a really difficult day.. I was sick this morning and everything I have tried to eat has just been sitting in my stomach and causing indigestion, nausea, and a lot of discomfort. I felt well enough to go to a birthday party yesterday afternoon, but I couldn’t sleep until 6AM this morning and the cats were waking me up almost every hour. By the time my body gave in and got up, I was feeling really yucky. I keep thinking that the morning sickness is getting better but then I have a day like today and it throws me for a loop.


As some of my friends know, and from my many posts on facebook, I have been going through a difficult time with morning sickness. I used to think morning sickness was something tolerable; like you got sick every once in a while and you were fine. Thank you TV for portraying that image. I’ve seen quite a few shows/movies recently where the woman becomes pregnant, throws up once, and continues the normal routine of whatever she was doing previously in the movie - going to the beach to play with her kids, cooking dinner, escaping from some crazy killer.. all things she seems to do effortlessly.


You’d think that Christine, the doula, knower of pregnancy and childbirth would be prepared for morning sickness. I was not. This was really the only “normal” pregnancy symptom that I was all too unfamiliar with. It started around 5 1/2 weeks and now at almost 13 weeks, has continued in it’s relentlessness. I barely passed my classes this summer. In an attempt to graduate I took a full load of summer classes and was doing fine until I got sick. Thankfully I overwhelmed my professors with doctors notes and emails updating them on my status. I easily missed 40% of school, but had enough backing from my doctors to force my professors to pass me. Plus I did well on tests and assignments, even though most of them were late.


After about a week or so of constant nausea, 5-10 trips to the bathroom per day, I called my midwife in tears.. She prescribed me Zofran, suggested a few other things that could help me, and I felt better. Not normal, but I threw up much less and could actually eat some food. I had lost 10 lbs. by that time and was not doing good. I managed to not drop out of school and finish up the semester, thanks to Zofran, my loving midwife, Nancy, and my super amazing boyfriend.


Despite the Zofran being a good medication for vomiting, I still felt nauseous 24/7. Even today, almost 2 months into morning sickness, I still feel nauseous. For me, the worst part has been laying in bed. I’ve gotten relatively used to it, but I still go a little crazy from time to time. My midwife explained to me that my body wants me to be still. She said if I have the luxury of staying in bed to do it and that would help me a lot. So I lay in bed for most of the day, only getting up to use the bathroom, take a bath, brush my teeth, and change my clothes. Laying around all day maybe sounds nice to some people, but it’s no fun. I want to get up and do something but the second I do, I feel like throwing up. Yucky.


Although I have started to feel a tiny bit better, the constant nausea, feeling helpless, and trying to stay positive has taken quite a toll on me emotionally. I think a LOT of people just plain don’t know how morning sickness can affect a pregnant women. I am a member of the Mothering.com forums where I joined a support group for women with severe morning sickness and one woman posted something that I felt compelled to respond to. She said that a lot of women in her family have never had morning sickness and most of her friends haven’t had anything too severe. When she needs support, they almost treat her like she’s faking it because they don’t understand how she could get “that” sick from being pregnant. I thought this was awful, but a really good example of how our culture views pregnancy....


...It’s like women who are newly pregnant are supposed to be overjoyed. They should go out and have lunch with all their friends to tell them the good news, go shopping for the baby, hang out and have a normal life. This is just not the case for some women. Especially women who have jobs and smaller children at home. When you are exhausted, nauseous all the time, throwing up, have aversions to almost every food that you look at....being newly pregnant sucks!


So I’m hoping that today is one of my last bad days and that this MS is leaving my body. I’ve had enough and I’m feeling like I can’t take much more. Dave probably wants this to be over too.. he waits on me constantly and gets me my water, medications, aloe vera juice, food every 3 hours, and helps me get to the bathroom when it’s really bad. He lets me cry on him when I’m overwhelmed, he listens to me when I say that I’m not excited and doesn’t look at me like I’m from another planet. Someday hopefully soon I won’t be so sick and I can get excited about this little muffin.. for now, I just need to take it easy and trust that I’ll be ok.


~Christine