So I wrote on facebook that I was really steamed about being judged for having a baby and being unmarried. Some people "believe" it is sinful and that this baby will be some sort of sinful manifestation of mine and Dave's sinful relationship. Others believe that people should not have a baby unless they are married because it means that they have not made a serious commitment to each other, therefore are not ready to have a child. Others just believe you should be married because their parents believed it, or their church believes it, or their friends believe it, or they have no idea why they believe it, but they still judge.
If anyone reading this believes such things, I highly doubt I will change your mind. I doubt I will in some way convince you that it is not a sin to be deeply in love and committed, but not officially married in the eyes of God and the state of Virginia, yet still have a baby together. I'm sad that you have to try to be happy for us, yet truly deep down in your heart think what we are doing is wrong.
I don't feel it's wrong and that's really all that matters, right? Mostly..
We love love love our friends and family. So instead of being a total hypocrite and saying that I'm 100% OK with everything our friends or family do, I'll say that I'm not. Just like how certain people in our lives don't agree with what we're doing, we don't agree with choices they make either. So how can I say these things about being judged while still judging others? I suppose I have no ground besides the freedom to speak about how I'm feeling and leave it at that.
The biggest problem with people assuming that Dave and I are "unfit" to raise a baby is that they believe that if we were married it would suddenly be ok. That is not logical. How does that make sense? Please explain it to me without sounding like you are making things up.
Although I am not a doctor, I am a doula. I teach women about making informed choices before their babies are even born and I stay with them throughout their journey into motherhood. Above all, I try to inform women so they can make their own decisions. I don't bombard them with my personal beliefs; I tell them what the scientific research says, then I might add my two cents about where the research came from and what I think about it. Best example: researchers say that co-sleeping is dangerous and you could kill your baby if you sleep with them. This research study was performed by the Juvenile Products Association - THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE CRIBS. Most of the research about co-sleeping is sponsored by extremely biased sources, yet women read it in a magazine and their mind is made up. Women (and men) also read that formula is as good as breast milk, babies need to learn to cry themselves to sleep at night or they will always be dependent on you, holding your baby too much will spoil them, you get the idea. So many of America's beliefs on childrearing are NOT scientifically based and more unbiased research has proven these things to be WRONG. So why do we keep doing it? Because we are too caught up in what other people think to make decisions for ourselves and get educated. We are too proud; we don't want to admit we've made mistakes, especially when we've found out that a previous choice was detrimental to ourselves or someone else. It has been a mission of sorts for Dave and I to make informed decisions based on real research from multiple sources for the safety and well being of our babies. I would say that we are off to one amazing start as parents because we are willing to look at what is "normal" and question it.
I don't need to justify our choices; this is my blog after all, and it's really more of a vent of frustrations than a place to get permission for my beliefs. Sure, I'd like people to agree with me most of the time, but I won't love them any less if they don't. As a new mother, I will be protective, hormonal, and somewhat scared about how my choices are affecting my little one. I'd say don't cross me, but I know that very well-meaning loved ones will question our choices and that's ok. Just be prepared when I give you a 20 page journal article explaining in detail why breastfeeding past one year is extremely beneficial for babies and will make them much healthier as adults.
~Christine
Okay, seriously? To the "But you MUST be married!" people... they can go screw themselves.
ReplyDeleteYou know this, you don't need to be told. But I've never discounted the impact of re-affirmation. You figure out what works for you, your partner, and your baby, and you do it. You figure out how to do it in a context that keeps the three of you healthy and happy. Beyond that, it's just too bad if other people can't understand.
The single and sole benefit, as far as I'm concerned, to marriage in terms of pregnancy, is that being married automatically grants your spouse certain rights and priviledges that an unmarried partner often has to fight hard for. But as long as you have medical personel and family who are willing to help and fight with you, then you are often just fine.
Thank you for the thoughtful post, and (as always) best of luck over the next few weeks!
~ Carrie S