Once Evelyn was born I was in a total fog. For about a month. Those first two weeks of learning how to breastfeed and get sleep with a baby who refused to sleep on any non-living and breathing surface was unbelievably trying. I was so happy to be a mom but I was so devastated that the process by which this was achieved had almost killed me. When you have a newborn, your whole world is turned upside down, over and over again. Each time your baby cries your heart stops beating and your whole being wants to go to this tiny human and comfort it.
As the weeks went on, I became less paranoid about being at home with Evelyn but was still paranoid about going anywhere with her. Figuring out when and how to take her out was a big challenge. We had breastfeeding down. We knew how to cloth diaper. We knew how to use the wrap and the sling. But for some reason I was terrified of leaving the house without someone. Mainly my issue was about her crying in the car and having to pull over repeatedly. I just couldn't bear to hear her cry for any period of time. Sounds lame looking back, but it was relevant and important to me in so many ways to put her happiness and comfort above ALL of my needs. I found it hard to go pee because she would cry if I left. I didn't shower unless Dave was home and even then I became easily stressed if I could hear her crying from the bathroom. And if I didn't hear her crying I thought she might be, but the shower was too loud for me to actually hear. How ridiculous this all seems to me now, but I still look back on it fondly.
Evelyn got a little bigger, a little more animated, and we got used to being around each other. I slowly ventured out of my mamababy nest, diaper bag filled to the brim (except I always forgot something important) and cell phone ready. I must have called Dave a million times in those early months. Just having another person on the phone while I was grocery shopping or going to the pediatrician's office helped me tremendously. I was still severely depressed but I forced myself to get out from time to time. I immersed myself in thought; thoughts about parenting, infant development, motherhood, my birth, and all sorts of other issues that were important to me. I watched LOTS of shows on Hulu. I ate LOTS of hot pockets. I lived and breathed for my daughter and couldn't think about things other than the mamababy relationship, emotionally and physically, for many months.
Maybe once Evelyn got to about 6 or 7 months, I really started to feel like a mom. A mom who knew what she was doing, who wasn't so afraid to talk about her parenting choices, who wasn't afraid to take her baby outside or on a car trip, and who knew exactly what her baby needed if she cried, fussed, smiled, or reached out to me.
Once I started to feel like a real mom things changed for me. My depression was still there but I felt like I could actually do things to help it. I felt like Evelyn and I had our own language and I understood her better than any other person. She had developed trust in me to understand her signals and care for them appropriately. She knew that if something was wrong, I'd keep trying to figure it out and wouldn't eat or sleep until she was ok. I realize now that I could have delegated more or even let her fuss for two minutes while I made a bowl of cereal...but as a first-time mom those things weren't important to me.
Evelyn has been to New York City three times, up to Maine twice, been on four flights and attended about 6 conventions. She has gone on numerous other little road trips, one most recently down to Florida to help a dear friend during her birth and immediate post-partum period. She has just been a trooper when it comes to travel. As long as we have the Ergo everything is fine :)
Over the past three weeks Evelyn's development has just blown me away. She started eating real people food and basically refuses pureed baby food now. She started crawling. She loves to hold your fingers and walk laps around the living room and kitchen. Sometimes she even runs. She has stood a few times unassisted, much to her surprise. She learned "Kee-ee" (kitty), "Ditduu" (thank you), and "Ehoh" (elmo). She already knows Nigh-night, Mama, Dada, Nuhnums, and will shake her booty on demand if you either sing or say the word "dancing". I can't believe how well she communicated her needs to us and understands what we're saying.
I knew these days would come I just didn't think it would be so soon!
We have also been successfully catching many poops and pees on the froggy potty. If I was better about it we'd catch most eliminations on the potty, but we run around a lot these days and I depend on my diapers.
I am trying to decide what to do for Evelyn's first birthday and it almost immediately overwhelms me so I put it off. I can't do that any longer. Invitations must get sent out and plans must be made. This baby is turning one whether I like it or not.
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