38 weeks and post-traumatic stress

First off - my huge belly!

I realized today that the stress of hyperemesis throughout the majority of my pregnancy has left some major scars. For a while I thought I was doing just fine and that it was all behind me. I was on the mothering.com message boards tonight and I clicked on an area outside my normal due date club boards. It was a more broad forum about pregnancy. Women in all stages of their pregnancies post there and one of them was wondering if her pregnancy test was too faint or if it definitely was a positive. It was obviously positive and I thought "Oh cool! She must be elated!" I quickly became incredibly nauseated and had to turn off my computer for a few minutes. I sat wondering what was up and realized that I only had about 3 weeks of easy pregnancy before the intense nausea and vomiting hit me... and stayed until I was over 30 weeks. 

I read about PTSD (post-trumatic stress disorder) in women who have dealt with hyperemesis. It is a VERY real issue. I don't need to sit in denial, nor should I assume that this is a really dumb idea. It hit me like a ton of bricks.. I am absolutely terrified of becoming pregnant again. I hear about women who are struggling with severe morning sickness and I want to curl up in a ball and cry because the memories of that time haunt me. It was so incredibly horrible that I don't know if I could actually go through it again. Dave can tell you firsthand how awful it was; he was there for me like no one as ever been there for me and made countless sacrifices to take care of me and help me keep my sanity. There were times that abortion crossed my mind. Not in the way that I'd actually consider it, but my heart would break over and over again when I would think about women who actually have to abort or they will die from severe dehydration, or their babies will die because the mothers are so malnourished. 

People think women have morning sickness to protect their babies, but that is only a fraction of the real reason women can get so sick. Your body rejects what it thinks is a parasite, in a nutshell. 

So I am not looking forward to the curious or well-meaning comments about when we'll have another baby. I am absolutely sure that we will love this baby more than we've ever loved another human being, but as soon as I'm healthy and recovered, hello birth control! The thought of having a younger toddler in the 2 year age range while pregnant and puking all day long terrifies me even more. I know a lot of people don't think it's "fair" to space your children too far apart for the sake of the kids being able to be friends and bond.. but I am not going to sacrifice my first child's well being at a very young age due to societal pressures. If my body and mind hasn't had time to heal, I would be setting myself up for a horrible situation in which my daughter will need me physically and emotionally and I will not be there for her. And sure, I might not have hyperemesis for the next pregnancy, but that is not a risk I am willing to take until I am ready, and who knows when that will be.

It's been two days since I started this post and now I'm finally getting around to publishing it! I'm sure I will write more about hyperemesis,  but I really should re-visit the topic after this baby is born and I feel normal again :)

As of Thursday, I am about 2 cm dilated, 70% effaced and at 0 station. Any day now!!!

~Christine

32 1/2 weeks and a bit more..

Only about 7 weeks to go! Technically I will be full term on February 17th; at which point my midwife will attend the birth at home. Technically I could deliver her myself at home before then, but no thank you. If I go into labor before that date I will most certainly be going to the hospital.

After a few yucky-feeling days I’m back. Things are starting to get a little cramped in my belly. Baby E has been head down for about 3-4 weeks now and it seems like she’ll stay put. Her head is slowly expanding my pelvis and I can feel it in a not-so-good way. The sciatica (shooting leg pain) started up this week, too. Holy cow, does that hurt. It seems like at any random time I might feel as though my leg is being stabbed. I hope the labor contractions are more gradual even if they’re more painful.


Baby has been rolling and rolling, protruding her limbs all over my belly as though she’s trying to dig herself out. Looks like a little alien! I have tried to get it on camera, but she knows somehow and stops moving. Many nights this past week Dave has watched her amnio-aerobics, much entertained by how far she sticks her feet out and very empathetic of the pain it causes me.. I love it when he pushes against her foot and says “Ouch, be nice to Mommy!” I am seriously looking forward to handing her off to him if I’m simply exhausted and need a short break. You can’t just detach your womb and reattach it to your partner for a few hours when you’re pregnant. Wouldn’t that be nice?


Dave and I have a little less than 2 weeks to sort of pre-prep for the baby. Beginning Jan 28th the mega 3 week marathon starts. Ohayocon first, baby shower the next weekend, and lastly Katsucon. See our crazy schedule below. Sure, we could wait to get ready until after we get home from Katsucon, but that is too close to my safe date. Most babies born to first-time mamas come a little late, but not all of them. I would rather spend the next two weeks pre-organizing; washing up baby clothes and blankets, prepping the diapers (which involves washing them about 3 times), and getting our bedroom baby-ready. The rest of the things we can’t get done will have to be done by me, hopefully with the help of my mom and grandma, because Dave will be doing art work on most of those between days. Very last minute things can get done from the safe date until I go into labor. Lots to do and I feel like I haven’t really done any of it. Tomorrow is Monday and that’s a good day to begin, I suppose.

I decided I need to get a bit healthier in preparation for the birth and breastfeeding. I’m taking a probiotic supplement for my tummy that also has fiber, as well as a fish oil supplement (from very low-mercury containing fish) for the DHA, Flinstones chewable vitamins, and folic acid. I’m ordering some late-pregnancy herbs for the next few weeks to help strengthen my uterus and get me prepared for labor, too. Yes, it’s a lot of things to swallow, but I simply cannot eat all of the necessary foods to obtain these nutrients. Maybe if I feel better during my next pregnancy I can do a better job if getting nutrients straight from food. This time around I’m not beating myself up considering everything that’s happened.

Following this post is a separate post regarding a topic that is very important to me. I decided to write it separately because it’s too heavy for a happy almost 33 weeks post :) I really should be going to bed, BUT I’m a bit wired from thinking about a bazillion things and writing a mental list of another bazillion things that we have to do.


~Christine