A lot has changed recently. From the bottom of my heart, I thank each and every friend in my life who has shown me love, compassion and support during this difficult time. I am thankful for you all. Dave is thankful. Evelyn will someday be thankful.
I will post more soon when I have time to mend. Photos will be posted in just a few days when I develop five (!) rolls of film.
Much love
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
11 Months
Our baby girl is 11 months. One month away from being a WHOLE YEAR OLD. Just where did the time go?? I can tell you.
Once Evelyn was born I was in a total fog. For about a month. Those first two weeks of learning how to breastfeed and get sleep with a baby who refused to sleep on any non-living and breathing surface was unbelievably trying. I was so happy to be a mom but I was so devastated that the process by which this was achieved had almost killed me. When you have a newborn, your whole world is turned upside down, over and over again. Each time your baby cries your heart stops beating and your whole being wants to go to this tiny human and comfort it.
As the weeks went on, I became less paranoid about being at home with Evelyn but was still paranoid about going anywhere with her. Figuring out when and how to take her out was a big challenge. We had breastfeeding down. We knew how to cloth diaper. We knew how to use the wrap and the sling. But for some reason I was terrified of leaving the house without someone. Mainly my issue was about her crying in the car and having to pull over repeatedly. I just couldn't bear to hear her cry for any period of time. Sounds lame looking back, but it was relevant and important to me in so many ways to put her happiness and comfort above ALL of my needs. I found it hard to go pee because she would cry if I left. I didn't shower unless Dave was home and even then I became easily stressed if I could hear her crying from the bathroom. And if I didn't hear her crying I thought she might be, but the shower was too loud for me to actually hear. How ridiculous this all seems to me now, but I still look back on it fondly.
Evelyn got a little bigger, a little more animated, and we got used to being around each other. I slowly ventured out of my mamababy nest, diaper bag filled to the brim (except I always forgot something important) and cell phone ready. I must have called Dave a million times in those early months. Just having another person on the phone while I was grocery shopping or going to the pediatrician's office helped me tremendously. I was still severely depressed but I forced myself to get out from time to time. I immersed myself in thought; thoughts about parenting, infant development, motherhood, my birth, and all sorts of other issues that were important to me. I watched LOTS of shows on Hulu. I ate LOTS of hot pockets. I lived and breathed for my daughter and couldn't think about things other than the mamababy relationship, emotionally and physically, for many months.
Maybe once Evelyn got to about 6 or 7 months, I really started to feel like a mom. A mom who knew what she was doing, who wasn't so afraid to talk about her parenting choices, who wasn't afraid to take her baby outside or on a car trip, and who knew exactly what her baby needed if she cried, fussed, smiled, or reached out to me.
Once I started to feel like a real mom things changed for me. My depression was still there but I felt like I could actually do things to help it. I felt like Evelyn and I had our own language and I understood her better than any other person. She had developed trust in me to understand her signals and care for them appropriately. She knew that if something was wrong, I'd keep trying to figure it out and wouldn't eat or sleep until she was ok. I realize now that I could have delegated more or even let her fuss for two minutes while I made a bowl of cereal...but as a first-time mom those things weren't important to me.
Evelyn has been to New York City three times, up to Maine twice, been on four flights and attended about 6 conventions. She has gone on numerous other little road trips, one most recently down to Florida to help a dear friend during her birth and immediate post-partum period. She has just been a trooper when it comes to travel. As long as we have the Ergo everything is fine :)
Over the past three weeks Evelyn's development has just blown me away. She started eating real people food and basically refuses pureed baby food now. She started crawling. She loves to hold your fingers and walk laps around the living room and kitchen. Sometimes she even runs. She has stood a few times unassisted, much to her surprise. She learned "Kee-ee" (kitty), "Ditduu" (thank you), and "Ehoh" (elmo). She already knows Nigh-night, Mama, Dada, Nuhnums, and will shake her booty on demand if you either sing or say the word "dancing". I can't believe how well she communicated her needs to us and understands what we're saying.
I knew these days would come I just didn't think it would be so soon!
We have also been successfully catching many poops and pees on the froggy potty. If I was better about it we'd catch most eliminations on the potty, but we run around a lot these days and I depend on my diapers.
I am trying to decide what to do for Evelyn's first birthday and it almost immediately overwhelms me so I put it off. I can't do that any longer. Invitations must get sent out and plans must be made. This baby is turning one whether I like it or not.
Once Evelyn was born I was in a total fog. For about a month. Those first two weeks of learning how to breastfeed and get sleep with a baby who refused to sleep on any non-living and breathing surface was unbelievably trying. I was so happy to be a mom but I was so devastated that the process by which this was achieved had almost killed me. When you have a newborn, your whole world is turned upside down, over and over again. Each time your baby cries your heart stops beating and your whole being wants to go to this tiny human and comfort it.
As the weeks went on, I became less paranoid about being at home with Evelyn but was still paranoid about going anywhere with her. Figuring out when and how to take her out was a big challenge. We had breastfeeding down. We knew how to cloth diaper. We knew how to use the wrap and the sling. But for some reason I was terrified of leaving the house without someone. Mainly my issue was about her crying in the car and having to pull over repeatedly. I just couldn't bear to hear her cry for any period of time. Sounds lame looking back, but it was relevant and important to me in so many ways to put her happiness and comfort above ALL of my needs. I found it hard to go pee because she would cry if I left. I didn't shower unless Dave was home and even then I became easily stressed if I could hear her crying from the bathroom. And if I didn't hear her crying I thought she might be, but the shower was too loud for me to actually hear. How ridiculous this all seems to me now, but I still look back on it fondly.
Evelyn got a little bigger, a little more animated, and we got used to being around each other. I slowly ventured out of my mamababy nest, diaper bag filled to the brim (except I always forgot something important) and cell phone ready. I must have called Dave a million times in those early months. Just having another person on the phone while I was grocery shopping or going to the pediatrician's office helped me tremendously. I was still severely depressed but I forced myself to get out from time to time. I immersed myself in thought; thoughts about parenting, infant development, motherhood, my birth, and all sorts of other issues that were important to me. I watched LOTS of shows on Hulu. I ate LOTS of hot pockets. I lived and breathed for my daughter and couldn't think about things other than the mamababy relationship, emotionally and physically, for many months.
Maybe once Evelyn got to about 6 or 7 months, I really started to feel like a mom. A mom who knew what she was doing, who wasn't so afraid to talk about her parenting choices, who wasn't afraid to take her baby outside or on a car trip, and who knew exactly what her baby needed if she cried, fussed, smiled, or reached out to me.
Once I started to feel like a real mom things changed for me. My depression was still there but I felt like I could actually do things to help it. I felt like Evelyn and I had our own language and I understood her better than any other person. She had developed trust in me to understand her signals and care for them appropriately. She knew that if something was wrong, I'd keep trying to figure it out and wouldn't eat or sleep until she was ok. I realize now that I could have delegated more or even let her fuss for two minutes while I made a bowl of cereal...but as a first-time mom those things weren't important to me.
Evelyn has been to New York City three times, up to Maine twice, been on four flights and attended about 6 conventions. She has gone on numerous other little road trips, one most recently down to Florida to help a dear friend during her birth and immediate post-partum period. She has just been a trooper when it comes to travel. As long as we have the Ergo everything is fine :)
Over the past three weeks Evelyn's development has just blown me away. She started eating real people food and basically refuses pureed baby food now. She started crawling. She loves to hold your fingers and walk laps around the living room and kitchen. Sometimes she even runs. She has stood a few times unassisted, much to her surprise. She learned "Kee-ee" (kitty), "Ditduu" (thank you), and "Ehoh" (elmo). She already knows Nigh-night, Mama, Dada, Nuhnums, and will shake her booty on demand if you either sing or say the word "dancing". I can't believe how well she communicated her needs to us and understands what we're saying.
I knew these days would come I just didn't think it would be so soon!
We have also been successfully catching many poops and pees on the froggy potty. If I was better about it we'd catch most eliminations on the potty, but we run around a lot these days and I depend on my diapers.
I am trying to decide what to do for Evelyn's first birthday and it almost immediately overwhelms me so I put it off. I can't do that any longer. Invitations must get sent out and plans must be made. This baby is turning one whether I like it or not.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
When's Your Due Month?
So often we hear the words, "When's your due date?" Very common is the desire to know when a woman will birth her baby. It is also general knowledge that babies don't always come on their due dates. Although most people know this, they doubtfully know the actual physiology behind when and why a woman begins labor. I read a fantastic short article today on Pushed Birth's website from Jennifer Block. She wrote the fantastic book "Pushed" that candidly explains what is most likely to happen to the average woman when she enters a US hospital to give birth.
I feel like we live in a society where everyone wants to know exactly when things are going to happen because there's not enough time in the day for wasting. The problem is that birth, by no means, is something to be determined exactly. Birth in normal, healthy women and babies is supposed to happen on its own without intervention. But that hardly happens anymore. We talk (and are talked to) about our due date or our friend's due date or whoever's due date. If the baby comes at 38 weeks it's considered early. If the baby comes at 41 weeks it's considered late. The reality, physiologically, is that babies are full term at 37 weeks and are usually born somewhere between 37 and 42 weeks. Someone decided (and I want to know who) that a woman's due date is 40 weeks from the first day of her last period. But that date, by no means, circumstances, common sense or understanding of the human body should determine the readiness of the baby to be born. Sure, the baby has developed and will survive outside the womb. But more importantly, your body and your baby are in sync and they both know when it's time for labor to begin. This is the reason why all babies are not born on exactly the first day of the 40th week!
Many OBs start pushing women after they hit 40 weeks to induce labor. It is true that certain risks increase after 40 weeks, but there are so many variables to consider in the equation of when a baby is overdue and will not be safely born. In the heat of the pregnancy-almost-being-over moment, women succumb to the temptations of these magical baby removers and go ahead with inductions. The facts are that babies who haven't come out at 40 weeks probably AREN'T READY TO COME OUT YET. Am I one of the few people who understands this concept? I ask this jokingly but I also believe that there is a strong correlation between inductions from 40 to 42 weeks and instances of emergency cesareans or other interventions like episiotomies or forceps delivery. In fact, there is numerous data to prove this correlation.
Fortunately for me, I was never force into an induction, even though my due date came and went. I was just so unhappy, emotionally spent, and physically exhausted to go on much longer. I asked my midwife to do one of the least invasive procedures to possibly jumpstart my labor; a membrane sweep. Basically she just took two fingers, inserted them into my cervix, swept the inner layer of my cervix, separating the amniotic membrane from my uterus near the cervical opening. It does not rupture the actual amniotic sac that the baby is in; it merely loosens up that small area enough to possibly signal the uterus to lightly contract. These light contractions can then signal the body to begin labor. If a membrane sweep is done and the woman does not go into labor within 24-48 hours, then her body is probably not ready to have the baby yet and it will still be (many) days away. Arguably membrane sweeping is an induction method since it helps a woman go into labor a short time before she would naturally, but when done properly it only reduces time before labor by a day or so. "So why do it if labor is coming anyway?" I asked that question myself. It almost seemed silly to have Nancy do the sweep, but I needed to do at least one thing to help bring Evelyn out. When Nancy said I had dilated more and there was blood on her glove, she said it was a sure sign that I would be going into labor very soon anyway. Sure enough, our kitten busted her leg on the broken plate and Evelyn decided it was time to be born.
So even though I knew that there was such a big time frame in which Evelyn could be born, I was still a nervous wreck and could not affirm myself enough to wait it out without trying to help her along. I am ok with that, strangely. I certainly didn't bring my 40 week, 2 day pregnant belly into the hospital and demand a c-section, and maybe I feel like what I did was so minor compared to what other women are pressured to do or elect to have done. Coming from an educated, thoughtful place helped me trust my decision. Having a loving, supportive care provider also helped me trust in this path I was taking. For most women, sadly, this is not the case. I ask all my friends, family, and readers to try to have faith in your body to give birth to your baby when the time is right. If you are a healthy, low-risk woman, you do not have to be induced before 42 weeks. It is your choice to allow your baby enough time to grow and wait until the exactly right moment to signal your body for birth. Tell you friends and family your "due month" ...Early March, mid-July, late August/early September. Trust your body to grow and nurture your baby until the time is right :)
I would love to hear thoughts on this topic!
~Christine
I feel like we live in a society where everyone wants to know exactly when things are going to happen because there's not enough time in the day for wasting. The problem is that birth, by no means, is something to be determined exactly. Birth in normal, healthy women and babies is supposed to happen on its own without intervention. But that hardly happens anymore. We talk (and are talked to) about our due date or our friend's due date or whoever's due date. If the baby comes at 38 weeks it's considered early. If the baby comes at 41 weeks it's considered late. The reality, physiologically, is that babies are full term at 37 weeks and are usually born somewhere between 37 and 42 weeks. Someone decided (and I want to know who) that a woman's due date is 40 weeks from the first day of her last period. But that date, by no means, circumstances, common sense or understanding of the human body should determine the readiness of the baby to be born. Sure, the baby has developed and will survive outside the womb. But more importantly, your body and your baby are in sync and they both know when it's time for labor to begin. This is the reason why all babies are not born on exactly the first day of the 40th week!
Many OBs start pushing women after they hit 40 weeks to induce labor. It is true that certain risks increase after 40 weeks, but there are so many variables to consider in the equation of when a baby is overdue and will not be safely born. In the heat of the pregnancy-almost-being-over moment, women succumb to the temptations of these magical baby removers and go ahead with inductions. The facts are that babies who haven't come out at 40 weeks probably AREN'T READY TO COME OUT YET. Am I one of the few people who understands this concept? I ask this jokingly but I also believe that there is a strong correlation between inductions from 40 to 42 weeks and instances of emergency cesareans or other interventions like episiotomies or forceps delivery. In fact, there is numerous data to prove this correlation.
Fortunately for me, I was never force into an induction, even though my due date came and went. I was just so unhappy, emotionally spent, and physically exhausted to go on much longer. I asked my midwife to do one of the least invasive procedures to possibly jumpstart my labor; a membrane sweep. Basically she just took two fingers, inserted them into my cervix, swept the inner layer of my cervix, separating the amniotic membrane from my uterus near the cervical opening. It does not rupture the actual amniotic sac that the baby is in; it merely loosens up that small area enough to possibly signal the uterus to lightly contract. These light contractions can then signal the body to begin labor. If a membrane sweep is done and the woman does not go into labor within 24-48 hours, then her body is probably not ready to have the baby yet and it will still be (many) days away. Arguably membrane sweeping is an induction method since it helps a woman go into labor a short time before she would naturally, but when done properly it only reduces time before labor by a day or so. "So why do it if labor is coming anyway?" I asked that question myself. It almost seemed silly to have Nancy do the sweep, but I needed to do at least one thing to help bring Evelyn out. When Nancy said I had dilated more and there was blood on her glove, she said it was a sure sign that I would be going into labor very soon anyway. Sure enough, our kitten busted her leg on the broken plate and Evelyn decided it was time to be born.
So even though I knew that there was such a big time frame in which Evelyn could be born, I was still a nervous wreck and could not affirm myself enough to wait it out without trying to help her along. I am ok with that, strangely. I certainly didn't bring my 40 week, 2 day pregnant belly into the hospital and demand a c-section, and maybe I feel like what I did was so minor compared to what other women are pressured to do or elect to have done. Coming from an educated, thoughtful place helped me trust my decision. Having a loving, supportive care provider also helped me trust in this path I was taking. For most women, sadly, this is not the case. I ask all my friends, family, and readers to try to have faith in your body to give birth to your baby when the time is right. If you are a healthy, low-risk woman, you do not have to be induced before 42 weeks. It is your choice to allow your baby enough time to grow and wait until the exactly right moment to signal your body for birth. Tell you friends and family your "due month" ...Early March, mid-July, late August/early September. Trust your body to grow and nurture your baby until the time is right :)
I would love to hear thoughts on this topic!
~Christine
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Christmas in Virginia, Christmas in Maine
This is one of my favorite photos from the holidays. We had an early Christmas at my parents' house since our family went to Maine for two weeks. It really did feel like the real thing this year, despite having a tiny tree. Something about it being baby's first Christmas made the actual date less important than just being together as a family, watching Evelyn open all her presents while babbling and looking totally overwhelmed with the shiny piles of toys.
Here are a few more photos of our Christmas in Virginia
Our trip to Maine was quite eventful, to say the least. It was lovely to spend time with Dave's family. We finally met Dave's newest nephew, who is about 6 months old now. He is so precious. Evelyn and baby L played together a bit, but mostly just grabbed at each other and entertained the adults. Everyone was happy to see Evelyn and all the new things she was doing since our last visit.
A few photos of all of us on Christmas
As much as we wanted to have a relaxing, wonderful time in Maine, we ended up becoming sick and spreading this virus to almost every person we came in contact with. Of course we enjoyed spending time with the family lounging and taking things easy, but the sick part dominated the vacation and it was really hard to have that special time we were hoping for. There were days between the three of us being sick, but it was really just enough recovery time to spread it to the next person. At least on Christmas Day Dave was feeling much better and Evelyn was happy for most of the time :) She was showered with presents and there was little room for anyone to even walk through the living room. Dave's entire family was there and I could tell he was so happy to be home. I was happy to be sharing such a special day with his family. There's something so heartwarming about lots of happy family in a warm home with tons of yummy food. I am already looking forward to going back so we can enjoy the family without being sick.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Lately
I win the award for the worst blogger ever. I have the best intentions but these past couple months have been one big ball of stress and I have simply lacked the motivation to write about Evelyn's milestones and our happenings. I have tons of cute pictures, but it is a huge chore to upload them, partially due to the fact that Google blogger makes me do them one-by-one and then I feel guilty that I don't make the time to do it. There are so many wonderful people in our lives who don't get to see us or Evelyn hardly often enough, and I feel so sorry for not posting regularly.
So a quick update:
Evelyn is great. She is such a happy baby. She is saying mama, dada, and num-num-num. Over the past two weeks she has been going poop on her little frog potty. She cues me by grunting and sitting very still, then I take her diaper off and put her on the potty. It's so very cute and it makes me feel good that I can communicate with her in this way. We've caught 8 poops so far. Only one pee, but I know that having poop in her diaper really bothers her now. She waits for me to put her on the potty and this whole thing really fascinates me! My 9-month old goes poop on her potty.
Evelyn hasn't shown much interest in crawling or walking yet. She scoots backwards and can turn around many times. She's an acrobat during sleep; half the time I awake to find her head down by my back and her feet in my face. I love those moments.
One of Evie's favorite things to do is take a bath. No matter how tired or upset she is, taking a bath makes her feel instantly better. She calms right down and starts babbling away. She loves to lay on my chest with her back to me so that she can sway and kick her feet under water. She'll turn around every once in a while to nurse for about 5 seconds then goes back to playing.
She loves to rip apart paper and napkins or anything that will tear. She'll store a few pieces in her cheeks then spit them out after a few minutes. She has been eating baby food pretty regularly; she loves sweet potato, carrots, pears, peaches, plums, and the awesome medleys that Earth's Best makes. The past week she's been only eating a few bites of food and then completely refuses it. Those are the days she nurses a lot instead. I never worry about what she's eating because I know that until she's at least year old, she can drink breastmilk and it will provide her with all the necessary calories and nutrients she needs. Maybe after her first birthday I will become more scheduled in when and how much she gets fed solids.
Evie sits and stands up very well now. She loves to sit and wiggle her feet in opposite directions. She likes to kick her feet when she's laying on her back and she knows how to hold herself up when she's standing. Sometimes she rears back while sitting and hits her head on the floor. We always have a wail for a few seconds then she's fine and back to doing whatever she was doing.
Some days Evelyn only wants mama, other days she says Dada all day long. She'll even cry when Grandma leaves the room at times when Mama is being boring. I love that she is comfortable with other people besides me, but that I can always come back to her and cuddle or nurse her if I've been gone for some reason. I actually don't leave her often at all, but I know if I really need to go somewhere my family will take wonderful care of her.
It is still very important to me that Evelyn always feels like we will comfort her and meet her needs. I have not pushed any type of early independence on her and I really believe it shows. She is such a happy, alert baby!
When I have enough time to myself, I will try to post more photos of our pumpkin :)
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