Cry-it-out and baby's needs

First, let me link to an amazing post by a mama who sums it up much better than I can:

PhD in Parenting - CIO

I have never left Evelyn to cry it out. I have been in the bathroom peeing and couldn't get to her. I have had to leave her on the bed while I picked out clothes for the day and she has loudly disapproved. I have showered in four minutes while she whined in the jumper in the bathroom. I have held her in my arms for two hours trying to get her to go to sleep. But not once did I leave her alone to cry when I knew that I could be there for her. Some mamas might say that my choice to not leave Evie to cry is extreme. To me, leaving her to cry is extreme. But that is how *I* feel.

I completely comprehend the fact that babies cry for all sorts of different things. But they cry for the same reason. All babies from newborn to until about 18 months, maybe a bit younger, cry because they have a need. Not a want, but a genuine need. It's different if they reach for a "toy" that they can't have like a knife and then cry when you pull their hand away. That's plain dangerous. But it is not dangerous to pick up your baby when they cry and reach out for you.


We are always hearing from people that we have such a calm and alert baby. She is rarely fussy in public (I don't usually take her places when she's fussy to begin with) and most of the time she loves to interact with others. I'd like to think that part of her behavior is due to her comfort level and how she knows that if she tells me that she doesn't like something I will respond to her. You know when you let someone hold your baby, the baby starts to cry, and then the person holding the baby won't give her/him back because they want to soothe the baby? Well, in some cases maybe that's ok, but really it's only letting the baby know that you aren't going to respond to their need. The need being you, again. In the early days I had to fight at times with my family to return the baby when she cried. Sometimes I was made to feel ridiculous or incompetent because all I'd ever hear was "oh, she's fine", when clearly she was not fine. Yes, she was fed, changed, burped, nice and warm, but not ok. She wanted and needed mama or daddy.

Especially at night, when babies need to rest and recover from all the stimulation of the day's events and feelings, they need their parents more than ever. Babies sleep at night just like adults to physically and mentally recharge. It is so critical that babies fall asleep without stress. Yes, baby might be teething, or have gas, or have a tummy problem, but those are not situations that occur every night. They need to be soothed to sleep, regardless of the situation. Babies don't have a clue about how to put themselves to sleep! Their brains don't know how yet and forcing them to learn too early has consequences like everything else that is forced. Nowadays with our high-tech video monitors (don't get me wrong, I'd love to afford one for nap time) and a lock on our doors, not to mention the fact that this isn't 1000 BC, we don't absolutely need to be with our babies to know that they're ok. The difference is that the babies still need us to feel ok.

Science is finding time and time again that babies suffer unduly when parents use sleep training. I don't really understand why parents don't listen to the same "science" that says not washing hands will spread germs and disease. Not attending to your baby will produce excessive amounts of cortisol (the stress hormone), which impedes brain development in multiple areas. Physically, emotionally, cognitively; cortisol affects development. This isn't just a theory, it's a scientific fact. You can take any scientific fact with a grain of salt since science is disproved all the time, however, For me, for us, that was enough for me to choose not to use CIO.

YES, babies who have been left to cry-it-out will probably "be just fine". But how do you define "just fine"?? Even if bad things that happen to us aren't a direct result of something that happened before we were two, how do we know that certain experiences shaped who we are today? The many research studies on infant brain development tell us that prolonged crying or multiple periods of crying without soothing can permanently alter the brain. Even if the baby doesn't remember the crying, the brain does. Just like with infant circumcision and a variety of situations in which babies are hurt emotionally or physically, the brain remembers stress! If as parents, we try to minimize suffering and stress for our babies, then why is this method so popular?

Maybe we are all too tired, exhausted, and burnt out from working, cleaning, driving in traffic, worrying about finances, arguing, chasing kids around, getting food on the table and trying to be good people and good parents to remember that babies aren't doing any of those things. They are only relying on us to be there for them in each moment that they feel fear, anxiety, helplessness, and pain. It's so incredibly hard! But when we are there for them whenever they cry, it pays off tremendously.

Go love and snuggle your babies! (If only it were that easy, I know!)

Edited afterthought: There are so many different ways to parent. I realize that we all do whatever we feel is right, whether it be for our own needs, our baby's needs or our family's needs. What I'm really getting at is that it sucks to listen to a baby cry and choke and scream because they just want to be held and soothed. It's up to each family to decide, ultimately, but I know it's not for us.